She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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