I wish I only lived at night.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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