Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
