If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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