I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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