this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
