ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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