I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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