Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
