What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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