dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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