my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
