his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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