If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
