It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
