she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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