Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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