I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
