You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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