If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
