chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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