Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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