they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
