He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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