the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
