I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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