she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
