I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
dude i'm inner monologue high
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
