She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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