It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
