"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
