So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
