I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
