It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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