Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Come share oat with me in your robe
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
