pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
