My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
