And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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