just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
