I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We talked him into tasing himself.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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