I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I need a beard to bite.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
