u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
