I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
