I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
