Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
