You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
