Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
