come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
