none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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