I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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