Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
