I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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