I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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