So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just high enough for therapy.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
