I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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